Navigating attraction: Preference or Prejudice
A question I often hear from young men is this: Is it racist if I am not “into” black women or men, or is it just a preference? It is a real question that deserves an honest answer.
Start with context, not defensiveness
Attraction does not happen in a vacuum. South Africa, like many places, carries a long history of racial classification, violence, and value hierarchies. That history is still present in our media, our institutions, and our homes. It shapes the stories we absorb about who is beautiful, who is desirable, and who is not. Type “beauty” into an image search and you will not find a neutral mirror. You will find an archive of power.
Preference is not free from influence
We like to believe attraction is purely natural or purely personal. Biology plays a role, yes. Attraction to other humans can feel like a preference for certain foods. Some people love avocados, some do not. But just as taste is trained by repetition, our attraction is shaped by memory, culture, status, religion, family, and the images we are fed. What food were we served often enough to start liking? Who were we told is beautiful or not, and how did that script teach us what to call beautiful? I remember watching TV with my dad as a boy. Two men in a relationship appeared on screen, holding hands. My father said, “gross.” That moment landed hard. Without knowing it, I was being taught what kind of attraction was acceptable, and what kind my father, whom I loved and admired, would accept in me. It shaped who I felt “allowed” to be attracted to. A simple way to hold all of this is a decision-making matrix that runs quietly in the background. This decision-making matrix is a social coding (or bias) that influences who we see as safe, familiar, valuable and likeable.
Looking for a speaker who helps teams foster belonging, safety, inclusion, and culture in powerful, real ways? Learn more about my keynotes on unconscious bias, psychological safety and more here.
What history still does to our choices
Across history, societies have taught us to see whiteness, straightness, masculinity, English, and certain bodies as safer, more familiar, more valuable and more likable, even as more beautiful. When that is the starting point, it is not surprising that many people feel like their preferences are purely personal and biological. It rarely is. Families warn against interracial relationships. Media glorifies some bodies and erases others. Schools, churches, and peer groups send signals about who fits and who does not. These pressures teach many people to cut off possibility. We think we are avoiding conflict. In reality, we are obeying an old script.
Is it racist to say “it is just my preference”?
It depends on what sits underneath that preference. If your pattern of attraction maps neatly onto old hierarchies of value who you were taught or caught to see as worthy, beautiful, and a good partner then it deserves interrogation. That interrogation is not about blame. It is about honesty. “It is only a preference” can become a shield that blocks real reflection on the value and likability we attach to certain identities.
So what is the point of this exercise? Who cares who I am attracted to and why? We do not need to automatically problematise attraction. Who we choose as partners is complex and multi-factor, and includes family, faith, safety, timing, and personal priorities. The issue is not that preferences exist. The issue is when “it is my preference” is used to reinforce social hierarchies, to repeat old stories of who is beautiful and who is not, or to exclude, reject, or shame others.
Preference is not neutral. It is shaped by history, memory, media, and socialisation. Owning that does not mean forcing yourself into relationships that do not feel right. It means being conscious of the scripts you inherited and asking whether those scripts limit your joy, your options, or your ability to recognise genuine attraction. It also means refusing to use preference as a cover for bias.
(Don’t forget to check out my short videos on this exact topic below)
This is not a call for a white man to “start dating black women” to prove anything. It is a call to enter relationships consciously. Notice your matrix of safe, familiar, valuable, and likeable. Ask where it came from. Keep what aligns with your values today. Retire what simply repeats an old hierarchy. That is how preference becomes a choice you can stand behind, rather than a story you hide behind.
How to interrogate attraction without shame
Notice your matrix. Who feels safe, familiar, valuable, and likeable to you, and why?
Audit your inputs. Whose beauty and desirability do you see daily? Whose do you never see?
Track patterns. Do your dating choices mirror the same hierarchy again and again?
Sit with discomfort. Curiosity grows where defensiveness ends.
Expand exposure. Change your media diet, social circles, and reference points.
Choose alignment. You cannot control every impulse. You can choose not to act from inherited bias.
A note on guilt
Recognising prejudice does not require self-punishment. Guilt and shame can freeze growth. Awareness is an invitation to think, to listen, and to act with more integrity.
Where this lands
Attraction is complex. Biology matters. So do freedom and risk, family and faith, images and stories. Most of all, history matters. If we want to claim preference with honesty, we must first examine the system that taught us what to prefer.
